Thanksgiving in 2017

"When the old wound started to ache and you fell into the dark hole, get your guitar out and sing away." (Momo, 2016)

This girl, who was born 18 years ago, blows my mind from time to time by saying things like the above. I wonder how she gets such a wisdom and still act like a kid from time to time. She has been loved and taken care of, yet there were times that she had to deal with deep sorrow and grieves at a much younger age than most of us. At least, compared to my childhood experience where I had no major setbacks nor challenges, she had a major issue she had to deal with. Wherever she went and whatever she did, she always had a moment of wonder, "Where is he? Why did he leave us?" She never said that, but her behavior, the sudden drop of her smiles and watery eyes, told me that her inner dialogue must have been sorrowful if not painful. I remember my brother took her to Tokyo Disney Land with his girlfriend back then and they spent such a wonderful day. Yet, he told me with tearful tears how she could not take her eyes of families having fun together. How she looked at a father and a daughter hugging or holding hands. My heart got broken into pieces when I heard stories, thinking how cruel of us, my ex-husband and myself, to put a little girl in such a tough circumstance. 

After 15 or 16 years later, I did not imagine she would find him on Facebook and asked me to contact with him. Indeed, life is full of surprises. It happened last year around the time she said the words of wisdom to me when I was feeling down. I do not recall why I felt down, but perhaps I sensed something radical change was happening in my life and felt absolutely insecure and frightened. In spite of my fear, I contacted him and it turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done. Momo and her dad are building connection for the first time in their lives! I am nothing but thankful for this opportunity to connect with him and realize how far he traveled and how mature and awesome person he has become! The best of all, now he would be here for our beautiful girl I believe. The deep sorrow from her eyes will vanish eventually and she would find the beauty of life and love she can rely on to navigate her life. 

While she is building a new relationship, she witnessed a radical change in my life. I became a single again after 6 years of partnership with someone. Perhaps it was the most challenging and fruitful 6 years as well. My status changed from a single mum with no qualifications to a single mum with some qualifications. It does not sound much different, yet the connections that I made while I was getting the qualifications are beyond my imagination. It is not about better or worse, it is the diversity that I feel amazed in my current connections. Momo's school, my little English school, and English teachers I have met through some study groups were the only connections I had before. It was very comfortable and peaceful little world where nobody challenges me. The small world, I enjoyed seeing my girl growing up. The small world, I did yoga every morning for 90 minutes and felt enlightened and enjoyed writing and reading poems. Safe and sound, yet I knew it would end as Momo grows older and her needs change. As she graduated her primary school, I was ready to move onto the next stage. Unexpectedly, I met someone who would share the ups and down of our lives. There were surely heaps of ups and downs for 6 years from the beginning to the end. Very dramatic. It was full of excitements and disappointments. But we lived fully. That's what matters, isn't it? 

I find it quite interesting that as Momo is graduating her high school and entering her adulthood, our new journey has started unexpectedly again. Our bond is much stronger, yet our physical distance is growing. Thanks to all the support and considerations we received, Momo has become a thoughtful, wise and beautiful young woman. She had not realized her real potential yet. But who can see that at the age of 18? I certainly did not see my potential till much later like in my 40's. She has developed her self-esteem I believe, yet she does not have enough self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is a capacity to believe in your ability to achieve your goals. Without self-efficacy, you will simply give up on your goals when obstacles occur. I would love to study how I can facilitate to develop this essential behavior or belief in order to lead a content life. 

Some may come and go from our lives, yet each person influences our perspectives towards our life. At some point, I will need to see my girl go as well and I am sure it will be a complex experience with full of joy and sorrow because "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Good news is our connection is much stronger than any physical distance. I will be her mum, no matter what and love her with all my heart and soul. And I know how blessed I am to have a person to love like this. Because I know only love define me and my life. So, I am thankful for the love I received and the love I can offer.