Monday 1 January 2018

2018: I have nothing and know nothing.

On Boxing day, I usually stay in the cosy and comfortable white couch at his apartment. His couch had been my favourite spot to be in the last 6 years. It did not complain how heavy, sad, tired, angry, upset or irritated I was and it was sitting there waiting for me to go back. It welcomed and offered the sense of security I used to feel in my mum's arms as a child. So, I could sleep like a baby. I could never finish watching any movies or shows because I fell asleep on the couch at his apartment. Even he was on a business trip and away for the weekend, I got in his place and had heavenly naps so many times. It has become an essential item of my busy and crazy daily life. And it was the only spot where I could be who I really was, the oxymoronic being; extremely happy and sad nutter. Totally egoistic hippie or yoga practitioner. My own chaos could find order on the couch. No matter how dark the dark matter got, I had no doubt that the couch would rescue me. It was like a friendship built on mutual trust and respect and not supposed to be destroyed or taken away. I was in denial of the fact that nothing stays the same.

As a wise person say we move forward by constantly changing. When things got stuck, a radical change is needed to flow time again. It happened to me on an annoyingly hot summer day. My comfortably tedious life with him suddenly destroyed by the sentence "We need to talk."

"Oh-oh," said I in my head.

I had the sentence before. With the cold and sharp tone. It sounds always the same; no life in it. It is recognizable as soon as you hear it. It is the last sentence to end something seems eternal. The whole me got sucked into the dark matter and my heart was broken into pieces. There was no instant cure for it and all I could say was, "Oh, shit..." and the next second, I lost "us" and the couch.

As a usual healing procedure of a broken heart, I went through the dark matter of my own nightmare for a couple of months. No appetite, no hope and no life. Only self-pity, despair and the silliest emotion we all deal with; Jealousy. In order to avoid and hide my dark matter, I constantly TALK nonsense with others who were patient and compassionate. Then eventually, those compassionate friends got bored or irritated by my cries. Then, I heard this wisdom of the universe, "Shit happens." with certain apathy. By the time of arrival of the winter, I got really sick and tired of my self-pity and bloody drama queen attitude. Yet, the yo-yo emotion of mine still got me up and down again and again. One day, I got furious, screaming in my head, "I am a bloody human. I can't cut off my emotions. How can I forget about everything and feel ok? I am not a bloody robot!" But on a good day, I feel calm and more forgiving of myself and the person who caused this emotional disaster due to so much love I received on the healing journey. Yet, I was still in search of a place I should be since I lost the spot for me to exist in the whole universe; The alternative one for the healing couch.

The liberation comes when you are at least expected. For me, I had the eureka moment when I realize I have nothing from the first place. We often think we have so much in our hands, yet nothing stays the same. By nature, we have nothing. Then, how can we lose? Do I sound enlightened? No. I am not. I do not have enlightenment, either. I am a human and I love being one. As long as I am a human, I will get lost and go into the darkness again. Yet, I will come to this acceptance again and again that I have nothing.

With this realization, I will live and learn in 2018. Happy New Year to you all and me, the silliest and adorable entity with only potentials.