The Rebels

I am at the kitchen table at my new home reflecting what we have done so far in 2018. My dearest daughter is in her bedroom sleeping after her long long night shift at a Korean barbecue restaurant in central Tokyo. She has been exploited by this company she started working two months ago in May. She was supposed to work at one of the cram schools she used to go near our new home. It would work brilliantly if she did not join the musical group organized by university students. I decided this new apartment for our home because of the convenient location for her school, her part-time job, and my work. But since she joined this musical group, her home is far from every place she goes to, the part-time job, school, and the musical group. For weekends, she gets night shift, but the company that runs the restaurant does not pay her transportation fully, she takes the cheapest and furthest way to come home. Those mega companies exploit the inexperienced youth and make profits. But they should know what comes around, goes around. Treating a good employer bad is the worst policy in a long run. Smart and capable youth will not work for them. This month is going to be Momo's last month. She won't let her treat unfairly and definitely will not tolerate such business. Bummer for the restaurant because this girl has very high standard working ethics: She is reliable, punctual, a hard worker, doing some works other part-timers do not wish to do such as cleaning the bathroom and has amiable personalities. It seems like she is in control of this issue, Mama tiger will see what happens and keeps her mouth shut at the moment as she sharpens her fangs. Who said this, "You mess with my daughter, you mess with me."? 

As far as her uni life is concerned, she is quite lucky to find a few extremely enjoyable and inspirational lecturers at her university. She also made a few good friends who could be her life-long mates within a few months. What really amazes me is that she somehow knows that best buddy sometimes disagrees on some things. Just because it took me so many years to figure out this truth and I have wasted some potentially life-long friendships due to minor differences. I was looking for someone who has exactly the same value for everything. In terms of a partnership, my expectations have been way too high in spite of all of my faults and errors. I had numbers of arrogant and unfair expectations towards others who are usually lovable human with unique personalities like myself. If I am not a spotlessly perfect being, how can I expect someone to be? Perhaps I realize this last year, yet my daughter at such an early stage of her life, she knows this and very humble and forgiving with her friends and family members. But she inherited the spirit of rebels from her mum and grandma. This fate can't be changed. This means that she has a tendency to question and against the authorities. So, by nature, Momo argues with me and questions my decisions. When I feel exhausted, I get irritated and very defensive, but she won't allow me to be too contradictory because I won't allow her. Good for both of us; we push each other to be fairer and more courageous. My mum was brutal with fairness and she was not afraid to apologize when she realizes her mistakes. Well, she was nearly a perfect mum and she rarely needed to apologize to me. But she taught me this awesome idea, "We are all created equal. So, it is wrong to have an authoritarian attitude towards anyone no matter how young or humble the person is." This idealistic policy sounds amazing, but we get so many problems because of it throughout our lives. My daughter and I almost dropped out of the high schools and I refused to go to a university my authoritarian school kindly "offered" to me. Fortunately, my daughter was smart enough to think of the consequences of her actions and decided to pursue her dreams by taking higher education. I was a student, showing her ups and downs of a student life throughout her high school days. I am so pleased that she did not find it ridiculous and choose other paths because I knew she would find satisfying to explore her intellectual curiosities.  

So far, we got our very relaxing sweet home, things to learn and some awesome mates. We have super hectic lifestyles and almost no time to have a chat. Yet we always find time to discuss and grow together in our own ways. There is no other way for us to feel right. 

2018: I have nothing and know nothing.

On Boxing day, I usually stay in the cosy and comfortable white couch at his apartment. His couch had been my favourite spot to be in the last 6 years. It did not complain how heavy, sad, tired, angry, upset or irritated I was and it was sitting there waiting for me to go back. It welcomed and offered the sense of security I used to feel in my mum's arms as a child. So, I could sleep like a baby. I could never finish watching any movies or shows because I fell asleep on the couch at his apartment. Even he was on a business trip and away for the weekend, I got in his place and had heavenly naps so many times. It has become an essential item of my busy and crazy daily life. And it was the only spot where I could be who I really was, the oxymoronic being; extremely happy and sad nutter. Totally egoistic hippie or yoga practitioner. My own chaos could find order on the couch. No matter how dark the dark matter got, I had no doubt that the couch would rescue me. It was like a friendship built on mutual trust and respect and not supposed to be destroyed or taken away. I was in denial of the fact that nothing stays the same.

As a wise person say we move forward by constantly changing. When things got stuck, a radical change is needed to flow time again. It happened to me on an annoyingly hot summer day. My comfortably tedious life with him suddenly destroyed by the sentence "We need to talk."

"Oh-oh," said I in my head.

I had the sentence before. With the cold and sharp tone. It sounds always the same; no life in it. It is recognizable as soon as you hear it. It is the last sentence to end something seems eternal. The whole me got sucked into the dark matter and my heart was broken into pieces. There was no instant cure for it and all I could say was, "Oh, shit..." and the next second, I lost "us" and the couch.

As a usual healing procedure of a broken heart, I went through the dark matter of my own nightmare for a couple of months. No appetite, no hope and no life. Only self-pity, despair and the silliest emotion we all deal with; Jealousy. In order to avoid and hide my dark matter, I constantly TALK nonsense with others who were patient and compassionate. Then eventually, those compassionate friends got bored or irritated by my cries. Then, I heard this wisdom of the universe, "Shit happens." with certain apathy. By the time of arrival of the winter, I got really sick and tired of my self-pity and bloody drama queen attitude. Yet, the yo-yo emotion of mine still got me up and down again and again. One day, I got furious, screaming in my head, "I am a bloody human. I can't cut off my emotions. How can I forget about everything and feel ok? I am not a bloody robot!" But on a good day, I feel calm and more forgiving of myself and the person who caused this emotional disaster due to so much love I received on the healing journey. Yet, I was still in search of a place I should be since I lost the spot for me to exist in the whole universe; The alternative one for the healing couch.

The liberation comes when you are at least expected. For me, I had the eureka moment when I realize I have nothing from the first place. We often think we have so much in our hands, yet nothing stays the same. By nature, we have nothing. Then, how can we lose? Do I sound enlightened? No. I am not. I do not have enlightenment, either. I am a human and I love being one. As long as I am a human, I will get lost and go into the darkness again. Yet, I will come to this acceptance again and again that I have nothing.

With this realization, I will live and learn in 2018. Happy New Year to you all and me, the silliest and adorable entity with only potentials.

Thanksgiving in 2017

"When the old wound started to ache and you fell into the dark hole, get your guitar out and sing away." (Momo, 2016)

This girl, who was born 18 years ago, blows my mind from time to time by saying things like the above. I wonder how she gets such a wisdom and still act like a kid from time to time. She has been loved and taken care of, yet there were times that she had to deal with deep sorrow and grieves at a much younger age than most of us. At least, compared to my childhood experience where I had no major setbacks nor challenges, she had a major issue she had to deal with. Wherever she went and whatever she did, she always had a moment of wonder, "Where is he? Why did he leave us?" She never said that, but her behavior, the sudden drop of her smiles and watery eyes, told me that her inner dialogue must have been sorrowful if not painful. I remember my brother took her to Tokyo Disney Land with his girlfriend back then and they spent such a wonderful day. Yet, he told me with tearful tears how she could not take her eyes of families having fun together. How she looked at a father and a daughter hugging or holding hands. My heart got broken into pieces when I heard stories, thinking how cruel of us, my ex-husband and myself, to put a little girl in such a tough circumstance. 

After 15 or 16 years later, I did not imagine she would find him on Facebook and asked me to contact with him. Indeed, life is full of surprises. It happened last year around the time she said the words of wisdom to me when I was feeling down. I do not recall why I felt down, but perhaps I sensed something radical change was happening in my life and felt absolutely insecure and frightened. In spite of my fear, I contacted him and it turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done. Momo and her dad are building connection for the first time in their lives! I am nothing but thankful for this opportunity to connect with him and realize how far he traveled and how mature and awesome person he has become! The best of all, now he would be here for our beautiful girl I believe. The deep sorrow from her eyes will vanish eventually and she would find the beauty of life and love she can rely on to navigate her life. 

While she is building a new relationship, she witnessed a radical change in my life. I became a single again after 6 years of partnership with someone. Perhaps it was the most challenging and fruitful 6 years as well. My status changed from a single mum with no qualifications to a single mum with some qualifications. It does not sound much different, yet the connections that I made while I was getting the qualifications are beyond my imagination. It is not about better or worse, it is the diversity that I feel amazed in my current connections. Momo's school, my little English school, and English teachers I have met through some study groups were the only connections I had before. It was very comfortable and peaceful little world where nobody challenges me. The small world, I enjoyed seeing my girl growing up. The small world, I did yoga every morning for 90 minutes and felt enlightened and enjoyed writing and reading poems. Safe and sound, yet I knew it would end as Momo grows older and her needs change. As she graduated her primary school, I was ready to move onto the next stage. Unexpectedly, I met someone who would share the ups and down of our lives. There were surely heaps of ups and downs for 6 years from the beginning to the end. Very dramatic. It was full of excitements and disappointments. But we lived fully. That's what matters, isn't it? 

I find it quite interesting that as Momo is graduating her high school and entering her adulthood, our new journey has started unexpectedly again. Our bond is much stronger, yet our physical distance is growing. Thanks to all the support and considerations we received, Momo has become a thoughtful, wise and beautiful young woman. She had not realized her real potential yet. But who can see that at the age of 18? I certainly did not see my potential till much later like in my 40's. She has developed her self-esteem I believe, yet she does not have enough self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is a capacity to believe in your ability to achieve your goals. Without self-efficacy, you will simply give up on your goals when obstacles occur. I would love to study how I can facilitate to develop this essential behavior or belief in order to lead a content life. 

Some may come and go from our lives, yet each person influences our perspectives towards our life. At some point, I will need to see my girl go as well and I am sure it will be a complex experience with full of joy and sorrow because "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Good news is our connection is much stronger than any physical distance. I will be her mum, no matter what and love her with all my heart and soul. And I know how blessed I am to have a person to love like this. Because I know only love define me and my life. So, I am thankful for the love I received and the love I can offer. 

Just a story for a rainy day in Autumn.

Reading a picture book for the first graders

Halloween event for 3rd graders

 
 Autumn is a good season to go out and enjoy beautiful coloured leaves while hiking. My favourite place is Okutama which is only a few hours away by my little car. But on a rainy day like today, it is not the best place to go. So, here I am writing this for reminding myself my mission and reasons to live. I'm in a philosophical mood today because of my daughter, Momo. She's been asking philosophical questions, having a struggling time of her life as a JUKENSEI. At her high school, 90 % of students go to 4-year universities and study hard in order to pass entrance exams for the universities they would like to go. The last year of the students in high schools who wish to pass the entrance exams called JUKENSEI and the year is considered as one of the most struggling and nerve-wracking one of one's life. I do not really think it was the most challenging year of all, yet for 18-year-old of myself thought it was brutal and merciless due to the pressure I felt. Now I know what real hardship means, but at least for Momo, this year must be one of the most stressful and struggling one of her life. So, we often discuss the meaning of life lately. She says, "We are nothing special and nobody will care even if we burnish tomorrow. Life will go on without us. Nobody will cry more than a day." at which I felt irresistible anger and had to leave the room and take a breath. I was not sure where the anger was from. Was it from disappointment or sadness her comment brought inside of myself? Or was it from the stress that I did not have a convincing answer for her question? Or was it from the immense guilt I felt because I failed to bring her up as a person with high self-efficacy? I had to ask myself in order to discuss this matter, "Why do I live?". Isn't it such a luxurious question to ask? If you are under a constant life-threatening circumstance, this question will never be asked. Your whole energy will be used to survive. That is a human instinct. Yet, we are in this quite peaceful society with abundant materials and quite spoiled in terms of material richness. Both of us are aware of our fortunes. Yet it is also a human nature to seek a more satisfying living, isn't it? 

After sleeping on the question for a couple of days, here is my answer. We live in order to find something we can contribute to support the development or the sustainment of the unique and oxymoronic creatures, human. In order to sustain our lives, each one of us needs to contribute something we can do. In another word, Momo and I need to find our missions. We can, of course, live without any purpose, yet that will lead apathy towards your own life and other human activities. Who would wish to be a living dead at the age of 18? if so, there is a serious issue, one must have and needs a professional help. So, the key is to find a mission to achieve whether it is small or big. The size or importance of your mission is very subjective. One may find getting up in the morning is a mission for life. One may find a cure for a uncurable disease is one's mission. At a much later stage of my life, my mission is not so grand anymore yet reachable if I work hard. Having that got me move forward every day. Bringing up Momo as a single mum was my mission for a while when she was a tiny creature, but now she is on her own, seeking her own mission. So, my mission has changed to sharing awesome stories with children and the teens as much as possible. It can be done through various types of means: picture books, blogs, discussions in class, presentations or even a chat at a corner of a cafe.  I was lost for really a long time with no interests in life. I did not do anything for a couple of years after I had a second major operation at the age of 21. I thought it was not worth trying to make things better if I get sick and die. I was obviously wrong. When I started going out again, I found reasons to live for or die for. Every single day I gained my strength and became more and more hopeful. About four years ago, I was working at primary schools reading books for children hoping to share and spread the joy of stories. Because I know that stories I heard from people around me and read from books consoled my soul and gave me strength and hopes to live. I am not a superstar in most of the people's eyes. But I am one of you, a precious and valuable being for a few people. That's what really matters to me. I am blessed with some best mates, my family and Momo, my daughter I love dearly and will definitely die for if needed. She taught me a lot and I hope I can show her how to live fully not by my words but by my actions.

On a rainy day, I am thankful to have time pondering life like this. Happy rainy day to you all.

At the beginning of a new journey

I am an emotional person. period. My emotions deeply rooted in the softest part of my heart and soul. This can cause me a lot of pain while living on this planet with biting realities. Do I fear the pain and crawl back into my soft nest avoiding all the dramas and an emotional roller coaster? Hell no. And I do not take any of friendship and love for granted. If some of my friends feel that way, I am sorry for the misinterpretation of my behaviour. In fact, I've been going through severe menopause and might have been appeared as a mentally unstable irritated bitch from time to time. I know it is so hard to know what it is unless you experience it. It is sort of like a radical hormonal change in your body and your body is out of control. Typical symptoms are irrational irritation, constant dizziness and a serious lack of all sorts of appetite.  Nothing personal. In my case(or most of the women's case) I had this with teenager's emotional swings, my mum's dementia and my radical career changes at the same time. I had no energy or concerns left for a while. I constantly wanted a big hug from someone and told me everything is gonna be ok. Indeed, I have been useless crying baby whenever I got a chance to be with whom I trust 100%. But it does not mean I took the person for granted. I had to rely on the generosity and love the person got for me to defend my out-of-control emotional roller coaster ride to manage all the responsibilities I had on my plate. Doing that with this wild house like emotional swing with heaps of panic attacks and professional responsibilities and some health threats, I needed a shoulder to cry on from time to time. I am sorry if I made you feel unwanted. It was opposite. I wanted you to be my side all the time, knowing it is too much to ask. I knew it was too much.

So, I knew what would come at the end. I tried to prepare, but unfortunately, my emotional nature did not allow me to calm down and be cool with at the ending. It must have been a hell for the person I heavily rely on his generosity and patience. I wish I was in a mental state to congratulate his new journey full-heartedly. I really do wish since I believe that's what love does. But my tiny incapable and emotional heart aches and I cried out to defend my last piece of my soft part of my heart. Which cause the one I loved dearly intense emotional agony. I am sorry that I was not strong enough to be there for you as much as you needed me to be.

Now I must declare publicly because I need you, my friends, to understand what happened. This is my confession, I publicly put the sweet smile on my face acting a carefree liberated woman while acting like a mental and cold-hearted bitch behind the scene. I should not blame my faults on the menopause because I am sure some women are much wiser and she won't be as hysterical as I have been even in the midst of total chaos. I am flicking weak in the area and I demanded a full support from the person who tried to do his best to make my daughter and me smile and support in every single way he could think of. He has changed our lives and made us extremely happy for a long long time.

I feel quite awful and ashamed that I could not let his hand go wholeheartedly. I hope this selfishness of me will be understood and forgiven by him and our mutual friends. I was so upset and could not bless his new journey. Instead, I cried out like a hysterical bitch with some of you, my friends. I am sorry the pains I caused you. I truly hope that you will forgive me and allow me to moan a little while. I shall stand up on my feet and will be a little wiser after this. And I promise I won't say a word about my misery after this. Please do not give up on me just yet.

I've had such an amazing 6 years with him and I can not thank him enough to give a single mum a chance to spend intense life with him. He helped me stand on my feet and regain a faith in myself. I discovered a new side of myself because of his mental support. He has met a new person to live with now. I shall bless two of them for a happy life together. It is a lie if I said, "I am ok. I am over that." I am still in process of getting over. No matter how uplifting words I said to myself, my heart weeps in fact. That's how soft and weak my heart is, despite all positive exterior I might have shown in public.

Ok. Nobody will be interested in my life so much and will go on their own as he suggested. Yet for me it is very important to let you all know, my friends, in the stage I am in because I do care about your life as well. I wish I could give a shoulder on your sleepless night. I wish we would be open and accept who we are. Life will be lonely without such a special friendship.

I truly hope I lost my partner yet made a flicking good friend and our friendship will continue till one of us go away from this ridiculously complex and beautiful world. And I truly hope I will meet someone special I can share with all my excitements and disappointments of this life. You know I can feel my heart gets a bit tougher and stronger, hopefully, wiser now.

Thank you for reading this far. It meant a lot to me, my dear friends. Thank you for the courage and support you constanly and generously offer to me. I love you all. I really do.

Apology

Power harassment has been a big issue at schools. I have been one of the protesters against this social issue ever since I was 13. (That is when I realised some grown-ups especially teachers could be very unfair and authoritarian. ) I protested every unfair and unreasonable behaviour of teachers at school. This anti-authority attitude comes from my mum who told me to stand up for my rights. I am not sure if it was a good idea or not because in Japan it would have been much much easier if I learn to shut my mouth and obey what teachers say. I might have had much peaceful school life. But my anti-authoritarian spirit did not allow me to remain silent. Oh, boy! My teenage straight forward spirit got me so many troubles in school days. This troublesome spirit has passed onto the next generation, my daughter. She is as anti-authoritarian as we are if not more so. She does not hesitate to protest (despite all her faults. lol) when she experiences teachers' unreasonable and unfair behaviours.

As I started teaching at universities in much larger classrooms, I have realised that classroom management is challenging and overwhelming. Providing a satisfying class for every student seems such a talk order. While I deal with nearly 300 students, I am sure I say something insensitive or behave inappropriately from time to time, depending on how a student perceive my words and actions. I am not perfect at all. But if someone complains, I would apologise no matter what my intention was because of the fact that the person was offended or felt unfair. I've learned that it is very important to admit my faults and have the courage to apologise, which was also one of the lessons that my mum taught me. I did not understand why she bothered to tell me this repeatedly when I was a kid. But as I became a mum, I understood how important this lesson was; When we make a mistake, admit it and apologise sincerely! Whether you will be forgiven or not is another issue. I thought this simple yet essential moral code was shared with many educators and grown-ups. To my surprise, some teachers at my daughter's high school obviously do not share this moral code and no idea what power harassment is.

It was a few weeks ago, my daughter came home with tears and rage in her eyes. She burst into tears as soon as she saw my face, telling me what happened at school on the day. One of the teachers at school yelled at her as he demanded her to pay for her textbook. She did not register in his class, so she immediately realised that it was a false accusation. So, she protested it, yet nobody listened to her and she got more unfair accusations from other teachers on the spot. Nobody listened to her until she protested and screamed in tears. Then her classroom teacher investigated the case and admitted it was a mistake on their side. Now an important question should be asked. What would you do when you make mistakes? An apology is the first word pops up in my dictionary. Yet, the homeroom teacher did not apologise to her. Instead, he told her to mind her own business and go home because the case was solved and she did not have to pay for the textbook. "Excuse me?" I said because I did not comprehend the fact that my daughter claimed. After confirming the fact, I gave a call to the homeroom teacher and asked what happened. Then he apologised to me. So, I expected him and the teacher who yelled at her would apologise to her as well for their misunderstanding next day. However, nothing happened.

Nowadays, every school has a survey to investigate how students feel about the classes and teachers they have. I have some questions about the reliability and validity of such surveys, but it can get attentions from teachers at schools for sure. After my daughter complained about the teacher's behaviour, she was called by the homeroom teacher after school. So, she told her feelings towards the incident and asked for an apology from the teacher. Otherwise, she would go to the "authority". To be honest, when she told me about what she said to her homeroom teacher, I was a bit flinched considering the consequence. But then I felt ashamed of my sentiment and felt proud of what she did. No matter how controversial, it is good to have the sincere spirit, especially when you are a teenager!!!

So, the "authority" will get a phone call from a mum and a daughter protesting power harassing incident at a high school today. It may not change a thing.  However, as Socrates says, "The I unexamined life is not worth living.” 

A Sunday morning 2017

This year has been very exciting with a few more extra classes at universities and lots of presentation opportunities. At the same time, more than a few unexpected incidents occurred and I definitely need a long vacation in order to reflect and digest what really happened. When I feel like I am in a twilight zone, I know what to do; I remind myself this, "carpe diem!" Dance with the tune that life calls :-)

Writing can be a way of healing

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-child-abuse/201103/writing-and-healing

A couple nights ago, my daughter told me that she has started writing a story, using my old MacBook pro. I set it up on her desk in her room the night before when she asked me if she could borrow my old mac.  Her little confession was a bit of surprise for me because I thought she wanted to use the Mac for net surfing or something.  She used to read a lot and at one point she wanted to be a writer.  It is funny how my wish passed on to her - I once wanted to be a writer, a published writer. But recently her future plan often alters. One day she wants to be a dancer and next day she wants to be a singer. Then the next day, she wants to be a student for the rest of her life. I am glad that she finds potential in herself every day!

This time, I do not think her motivation to start writing is not to be a writer. I suspect it might be similar to what I am doing. Writing has a healing effect. I am not talking about writing a literature or academic research paper which generally add more stress. I am talking about personal narratives like a diary or a blog that do not require a high level of storyline or coherency. Perhaps blogs serve various purposes depending on the author of the blog. In fact, my blog is mainly for my daughter and myself to read in our future, especially when we feel lost. If there are anyone who shares our sentiments and findings, that would be my extreme pleasure. Yet, it is just an extra goody. I am not a professional writer nor talented. When I think of readers in general, I get intimidated and my pen will be frozen. I try not to be as self-conscious as possible here. I just imagine myself in a small cosy study, writing my diary or more like a letter to my daughter from time to time.

Anyway, if she finds a healing effect in writing, it is definitely a good news for her because she is at one of the most challenging periods of her life. She is n the senior year in her high school which means she has to deal with the notorious entrance exam for university. The peer and social pressure gets the highest in the last year in high school. I vividly remember the period. It was awful. Can you imagine a classroom with full of insecure teenagers under extreme stress? I could not take the stress and started skipping classes in my final year which was one of the worst mistakes. I learned there was no short cut nor an easier way to pursue your goal. You think you can dodge your fear or stress, yet you can't escape from your disappointments forever. It will haunt you until you really face it. Once you face your fear, pressure, self-consciousness, ego or whatever caused the setback, you will be on the path of liberation. The liberation from your own guilts, regrets, fear, and even self-consciousness. The acceptance, compassion, and even self-love won't be achieved without reconciling with these notorious sentiments. Writing generally support the path of liberation.

Well, I am in a bit pensive mood this morning. Perhaps I've got a bit of serious tone. But I wish that she could enjoy the process of writing and keep on doing to get through one of the most notorious periods of her life.

2017 New year resolution

On the first day in 2017, I was going to write my new year resolution. But my relatives came unexpectedly earlier than I expected, so my busy day started without finishing the first blog on the first day. Since then it's been more than a week and today is the last day of the winter holiday, which means busy days will begin from tomorrow. What have I done during the winter holiday? Chatting with my daughter, shopping, checking SNS, posting some pics on Facebook, partying with some friends and my family, cooking for my family, doing trampoline, jogging, reading a bit, cleaning, planning for some new projects, writing an abstract for a research project, discussing about the potential projects, watching some movies and TV shows and scratching my head a lot (as usual). From the list of things I've done, I can say it was a peaceful, joyful and a bit fruitful holiday except the first medical check-up which was unbelievably painless and easy. But the possibility of having a seriously bad result got me concerned and very philosophical on the previous night. I seriously tried to figure out what to do if I won't be allowed to run like a headless chicken (this was how I felt last year) anymore. I really don't mind working since I was on a long vacation as a student. I, of course, worked a bit, but only one third or fourth of what I did last year. Last year, I didn't have time to go crazy except some moments of absolute irritation towards my own incapacity to handle everything gracefully. Like I said, I looked and acted like a headless chicken, running around the campuses and home with something in my hand - mainly a pen or a spatula. What really irritated me was this image of myself in a panic state without any grace at all. The slow lifestyle I had in the last couple of decades spoiled my mind and I need to train it to be sharper and faster to deal with multitasks at hand. My strategy to tackle this sluggish and forgetful mind issue is to work something with other brilliant minds. It is said, "Two heads are better than one." But collaboration has its own challenges as it requires more communications and compromises. If you are not a team-worker, it might cause you a lot of stress. I see myself as an individual worker like my education and occupation shows- I am a school owner / a part-time lecturer-researcher and took a distance-learning course for my B.A. & M.A. But having worked with other teachers, I realized how empowering teamwork can be. So, it is my resolution: Collaborate with others. Fortunately, there are so many generous people in this world who do not mind working with this headless chicken with no grace. They kindly think I am a unique individual with potential. Ten years ago, I would hesitate to depend on those people's kindness, generosity and talents, but having lived a half century with some minor yet numerous health issues, I feel I can't afford to hesitate anymore. I don't know much, but I know one thing: Every moment creates my future. If I'd like to imagine myself working and living among those who live wholeheartedly pursuing their own life purpose a decade later, I've got to start to live like them NOW. 

Thanks for reading this far. May this year be harmonious and adventurous for you!

Momo

She is the loudest kid in your school. She is often late for the first-period class and came into your class with sleepy eyes and messy hair. She sometimes got some bread crumbs around her mouth. She is so clumsy that she hits against tables, chairs and sometimes even doors and gets little bruises all over her body. She laughs a lot, but she does not like showing her tears. She gets cranky when she faces something heartbreaking incidents. She always ends up taking jobs or responsibilities that nobody wants to take, but she does her best for the others. She always the one who raises her hand when nobody else does in class because the teacher looks troubled. Yet she does not turn in her homework on time unless the teacher forced her to do.  She forgets all the important notifications from school. She is a pain in the neck when it comes to organising. Her room and mind are always messy. She is so forgetful that she always forget helps she offered and the money that she lends to her friends. But she never forgets the helps her friends gave her and hates to borrow any money from her friends. If she does not have enough money to take a train, she will walk even it takes more than an hour. She gets carried away like a little child and her laughter can be annoying. But she is the one who stays with you when you are in trouble. She also listens to her friends even when she is extremely busy. She might look aloof from time to time because she is also a teenager and got some problems that she can't solve. She might look a terrible student with attitude in class because she sees something unfair and unreasonable in her eyes. She is Not perfect at all, but she has a warm heart which adores others and always tries to see things in your perspectives. She is quite slow and makes you upset when she replies to your question so late. But she often has sleepless night trying to find the best answer for you. She often stays up all night thinking the best birthday present for her friends and her family. She keeps all the letters and postcards she has ever gotten. Her desk drawers are filled with those old photos, letters, postcards and even notes. She still sleeps with the stuffed animals and dolls she got when she was little. She packed a hair dryer, irons and other "essentials" (cosmetics) for girls to her school trip leaving no room for her underwears. She spent all of her first salary from the part-time job to buy presents for her family. She enjoys giving Christmas presents to her family. She never forgets birthdays of her family even her dad she has not met for 15 years. She never stops thinking about his happiness. Yes, she is the one who stands in front of the classroom with beaming smile on her face and sits at the back of the room with watery eyes when unfortunate events take place on her classmates.

Her name is Momo. She always wishes to get to know you and become your friend. Your smiles and appreciations fill her heart and keep her going forward when she is in trouble. Your presence comforts her heart when she misses her dad who left her 15 years ago. She has no brothers or sisters. She is a warmhearted girl who can make a best and loyal friend. She deserves love like you do. She deserves to be loved not only by her mum but also by so many of you. She really does.

Surreal

On my first day in Fall semester, I felt refreshed and ready to go back to work. I looked forward to seeing the familiar faces of students. But something was different in me. Suddenly, the familiar views on the street, in the train, teacher's room, and classroom looked surreal. Then I realised it happened again. It is a recurrent weird experience I have from time to time. As a child, I often had this surreal feeling and got so scared on the way back home or on the way to school. The sky, the air, and the whole familiar neighbourhood looked somehow different and foreign to me when it happened. It was nothing but surreal. I loved it when I could view the whole town in a dreamy perspective, but then I got scared because of the confusion I felt when I tried to make sense out of it. It never made sense at all. I have no idea where this strange view coming from. I can function as whoever I am supposed to be while it is happening. I can walk, talk, and act like myself while it is happening as if the interactions with familiar people bring me back to the reality. But when I am surrounded by unfamiliar faces or alone, everything looked unreal and foreign. The shapes are the same, yet the sizes and colors look different. Everything looks wider and vague as if I am dreaming while it is happening.

After the surreal day, I was exhausted and desperate to see the familiar faces, my partner and daughter. I know when I see their faces everything makes sense to me again. The anchor used to be the face of my grandma. I used to feel so relieved and safe when I saw her face and the big smile with the "Okaeri" (Welcome back home). At the exit of the station, I looked for the familiar face which was supposed to meet me there. But I was a little bit earlier than he got to the station. 

"Oh-oh." 

I needed to calm myself down because of the intense anxiety this surreal day brought to me. 

"Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. He will be here in a second."

I tried to go into the bakery I usually go at the station, but the freshly baked awesome smell of bread could not be the anchor. So, I rushed out of the bakery and found the familiar face in the England shirt, hesitantly smiling and waving at me. 

"Phew"

Everything looked familiar and real again. The same shape, size, colour and smell. 

"Home again."

Mama challenge on my 50th birthday

Yup. I won't hide it. In fact, I tell ya with a certain pride. I am officially 50! Half century I have survived. In the 60s when I was born, the life expectancy was about 50 years old according to Wikipedia. So, the rest of my life is like an extra gift. This thought liberates me more than ever. Of course, I need to survive for at least 3 years until my daughter officially becomes 20. 

Anyway, when my daughter was in a primary school, I read this book about homeschooling and learned Jewish wisdom. Master another language, one sport and one music instrument to lead a fulfilling life. It sounded convincing. I haven't mastered, but English is my second language. Yoga can be considered as a sport. I used to play the piano as a kid, but I failed to continue and I am not interested in starting to play again. the guitar has been the one I wish I could play and tried numerous times to learn how to play. But my life has been way too interesting than learning how to play the guitar so far. Learning a new trick like that takes time and perseverance. I did not have what it takes before. But now, I started seeking how to entertain myself on my own and I believe it is time to try that again. 

After hours of research, I found this ideal model for this inpatient absolute beginner. This guitar was specifically designed for a person like me. I truly hope this will be a lifetime friendship with acoustic guitar, one of my favourite musical instruments. With all the tools, I gotta set up a stage for myself to keep my motivation. I've got some ideas right now, but this idea will be another story to tell. 

At the end of summer 2016

Summer 2016, for the first time in years, I took a full month off from work, except Mama duties. Mama duties are usually housework including preparing bento lunch for my daughter. But this summer I had to drive her to the nearby station and pick her up around midnight a few times a week for her dance gig rehearsals. Oh, boy! It was physically and financially demanding. I am so glad that I've got a job that can support her doing what she really loves. In Tokyo, you can get pretty much every product, but nothing is free of charge. Even maternal love can cost a high expectation. I have no question about the value of my daughter's presence on this planet. I believe she's got some missions to complete like I do. Not so many people are aware of their missions and she has not found it yet. But I have no question about she's here to share her precious life with people she loves. I'm not sure how big her mission is, but it is something unique and something Momo will love doing. When she does it, she would feel fulfilled and right. As a mum, my ultimate goal is to support her when she needs in order to find it, her mission or a purpose of her life if you like. But I admit I expect too much sometimes. I sometimes forget she is who she is. She is a unique individual. She is not me. We share so many common traits as human, yet she is not me. Especially when thigs are heck tick, I get stressed out and forget one of my essential missions in this life: Momo's mum. Someone who loves her unconditionally no matter what. I do love her but sometimes unconditional part can be distracted by my own ego or unreasonable expectations. I remember as a teen, wondering how come my own mum loves me unconditionally like my grandma did. Perhaps she did but she was worried about me and thus tried to overprotect me. This kind of behaviour can be mistaken as denial. It took me quite a while to get over or realise she does not deny my existence. So, for my daughter, I try to support her as much as possible without overprotecting her. I admit, I have not found the best middle ground between protections and freedom. All I can do is to hope that she will understand my intention. Perhaps she does and the birthday present she bought for me was a token that she understands my struggles and appreciate my presence in her life as well. Let me believe that. Let me indulge in the thought for a while since it is the end of summer.

Being a mum is such a challenging experience for me because I was spoilt as a kid and became very self-conscious, self-absorbed and self-destructive. Especially, the last trait got me in so many troubles and took me so long time to realise what my mission might be. Thanks to influential people in my earlier life, I became aware of the negative traits and tried to overcome them. I still have a lot of faults, yet a bit better than I used to be. On top of my personal struggles to be better, fulfilling mum's role is not so easy. I am far from my ideal mum who is so understanding and compassionate, yet fun to be around. The failure to be the ideal mum got me irritated and stressed out from time to time and ironically say and do something mean-spirited to my beloved daughter. I wish I could take a deep breath before I cast such words. Well, in spite of my faults, she is becoming a person who is capable of seeking the purpose of her life and doing her best to get it done. I am sure about this much more than before now.

Last night, in my car, as I drove her back home from her dance practice around midnight, I heard her mumbling, "Ah, it was a great summer." At the moment, I felt fulfilled. Such a moment empowers this silly mum to be the best she can.

Mary and Tooth Fairy

Once upon a time there was a girl, not so little anymore. She was rather big. More like very big in terms of her age. In fact, she had lived more than a half-century. More like she was in her seventies. But she was a girl at heart and thought, "Finally, I am in my luckiest age. 70's! I wonder what is going to happen! What shall I do? "

When other people in her age talked about illness, forgetfulness, hopelessness, depressions, and other issues they had on a daily basis, she did not say a word but thought to herself, "My teeth are getting loose and my memory is getting more selective. But I still have heaps of wishes." With the thought, she could not help smiling. People looked at her, saying nothing but as soon as she left, they went, "Did you see her smiling? She is a nut case, isn't she? She needs to be checked. She has been a bit awkward, but now she is really out there."  and laughed so hard that she could hear them. Guess what she thought? She thought, "How sweet! They are laughing. They must have found something amusing to talk about."

Oh, yes! She was a happy girl. I mean she was a jolly ol' girl. In fact, she never had a question about fairies. For her, they were one of those "normal" things that others talked about. They were as real as things like the air, water, the sun, the moon and love. You may not see or feel all the time, but you don't question about their presence, do you? I am not certain about the fairies, to be honest. Well, this is a story about this big girl, not me. She believed the presence of fairies so much so she could see and feel them. When others called her a liar, she didn't say a thing, but thought to herself, "Poor things. They can't see the fairies, can they? I am a lucky one." and smiled. They looked at her, saying nothing, but as soon as she left, they went, "Did you see her smiling? She is a nut case, isn't she? She needs to be checked. She has been a bit awkward, but now she is really out there."  and laughed so hard that she could hear them. Now you, the smart readers know what she thought. Indeed, she thought, "How sweet! They are laughing. They must have found something amusing to talk about."

One day, she had mixed nuts for her after-dinner nibble. She loved nuts and often thought she could live only with nuts. But then the list of her favourite food went on and on. "Oops, I should not forget the ice cream...oh...chocolate...veggies...cereals...oh!!!cheese! I can't live without cheese. And curry, fruits..." Yes, she was a big fan of food. Anyway, as she nibbled on her, more accurately, one of the favorites, she felt something strange in her mouth. She touched one of her teeth and it was loose. She got annoyed by the change and touched it again. That was when it came out. "Oh-oh," said she. "I gotta tell this to the tooth fairy."

She became forgetful, but she still remembered what her mum had told her when she was a little girl.
She knew all it takes to call tooth fairy was to call. "Hi, Tooth fairy. I know it's been a quite long time since I talked to you last time. I hope you remember me. Ummm...one of my big teeth came out tonight. Not those baby teeth. Would you please tell me what to do with it? Shall I put it underneath of my pillow like I did when my baby teeth came out?" said she and waited for the tooth fairy. She waited for a couple of minutes, but nothing happened. That's when she realised one thing, "Oh, I don't mean to ask you for a coin. I have my pension coming in monthly and got a small and cosy house. I've got my little garden and books to read. I got some lovely friends. I've got everything I need. So, I don't need a coin from you anymore. I don't mean to upset you with my demand or anything. " said she and waited for another minute. But she heard nothing and at the moment she gave up on talking to the tooth fairy, she heard this little bump and a little voice, "Auch!" from her bedroom. She rushed in there and there she found the fairy under the bedside lamp. The tooth fairy was stroking her head. "Are you okay?" asked she.
"Oh, hi, Mary. Long time, no see." smiled the fairy.
"Oh, you even remember my name? How sweet of you!"
"How can I forget my favourite little girl who always tell me a story of each baby tooth you lost!"
"Did I? ummm...I don't remember telling you stories at all."
"Of course, you don't. You were a little girl." giggled the fairy.
"Could you remind me of the stories?"
"Well, that's the thing. I am getting forgetful as well and I don't know if I remember all the stories correctly. But I can tell you the one. Poo poo one because it was so cute and funny that I laughed all night long."
"Emm...poo poo one? Well... I think I will skip it. Thanks."
The fairy was a bit cheekier than she expected.
"Ok. Then, I will tell you what you can do with the tooth you lost today. " The fairy stretched her back and said more formally in a good ol' fairy tone.
"Sweet!" smiled she.
"Well, first of all...ah...wait a sec...first of all...what was it?"
The tooth fairy looked up in the air and mumbled some phrases as she shook her head in disbelief.
"Something wrong, Tooth fairy?"
"Well, I become forgetful about things like what to do with the big tooth. People hardly ask me this question. Perhaps a century ago, a big girl like you asked me. So, I haven't thought about it for a long time." said the fairy and looked up in the air for a while.
"Aha!" screamed the fairy and went, "Ok. A big girl like you can make a wish. You are not so unreasonable like those little ones. You can wish something reasonable thing. "

Well, the readers, I did not know if even fairies get forgetful. But I guess living centuries, they also need to get rid of some memories.

"A wish!" she thought, "What do I wish? I have everything I want..."
She thought about it for a while and said to the fairy,
"May I think about it for a while? I will let you know when I have a wish. Is that ok?"
"Of course, girl. Let me know when you have a wish." answered the fairy and went out.

She thought about a wish for days and months. The fairy was right. It was not an easy task to have a wish when you were happy with what you had. She thought about it every single day and when she met others at the market, she asked, "Do you have a wish?"
"A wish? well, I got heaps of WISHES. I'd like to have my health and youth back. I'd like to go travelling around the world with this gorgeous ship. "
The wishes seemed endless and she thought to herself, "The fairy was wrong in this matter. Big girls got unreasonable wishes as well." and smiled. People looked at her, saying nothing but as soon as she left, they went, "Did you see her smiling? She is a nut case, isn't she? She needs to be checked. She has been a bit awkward, but now she is really out there."  and laughed so hard that she could hear them. My smart readers should know by now what she thought.

Yes, Indeed. She thought, "How sweet! They are laughing. They must have found something amusing to talk about." Then "Aha!" screamed she, "I wish others found something amusing to talk about!"

then she called the fairy, "Tooth fairy, I got my wish! I wish my neighbours got amusing topics to talk about! I love their laughter. It would be  nice to hear that more often!"
"Oh dear, girl. You don't change. You are always my sweet girl. Please stay who you are. You will have your wish, girl."
She heard the words of the fairy and smiled, "Thank you so much!"
"My pleasure as always."

Well, my lovely readers. Probably you are thinking like me. I would have asked the fair a world travel by a gorgeous ship or something. But you know that's why I may have lost contact with the fairies now. If I can ever think and look at the world like the big girl did, I might be able to find the fairies again. Wouldn't that be nice to see them?

Summer Challenge

I never imagined my girl would enjoy this style of dance. She took up piano lessons and cheerleading class when she was 5.  She always enjoys performing arts but it took me by surprise when she decided to join a street dance club at high school. "Street dance?" Back in junior high, she belonged to a brass band club, playing the trombone. She was called, "musically gifted one." from the coach of the club and won some awards at some contests. But interestingly she did not join the same club at high school saying, "I wanna do something different. Something I can really enjoy." It was a completely unexpected comment for I thought she did what she loved. Later I realized whatever you do, you need to face challenging stage to be brilliant at it. She must have been burned out due to the exsessive amount of practice and the strict Brass band club discipline.

Like mother, like daughter: She loves her freedom in life.

It takes a lot of practice and faith in my girl in the time of decition-making for her. As a parent, I wish nothing but the best for her. But what is best for her? Who decide it? Who really knows? From all the stories I read or heard, nobody really knows. Life is interesting due to the uncertainties.  There are certain paths which look safer or conventional than the other choices. But as a teen, I refused to take such a conventional path that my mum suggested.

Did I struggle because of my choice? Yes.
Was it easy? No.
Do I regret what I did? No.
Am I happy? Yes. More than ever.
Why? Because I am in control of my life path and I don't have to ask myself, "What if?"

I had a lot of supports from my family, friends and others. I could not be enjoying my summer vacation without any supports I had. I admit I have been extremely lucky and I have no idea if my girl can also get supports and lucks. But now I can be a bit of support for her to follow her heart. To do something she feels passionate about. She will struggle and might regret what she decided at some points. But it would be nice if you can say, "I've done the best I could!", wouldn't it?

If there is any motherhood or parenting skill test, I might get low grade due to my temparamental and inappropriate behavior as a mum. But my girl keeps finding her passion and live fully depending on her age and circumstances. She may appear as F student at school, but she never given up on living fully and finding the meaning of her presence in this life. As I look at her, working so hard to make the best stage tomorrow with the members of her dance team, I find extreme pride, contentment and happiness in her actions. So, that's enough. More than enough for me.

Momo's summer challenge will be over tomorrow and I am sure she will find absolute pride, contentment and happiness in what she has achieved.  I am glad that I could take part in her challenge  as a supporter.

A story of a boy

I started teaching children at home from 1999 when my daughter was born. It made perfect sense to me at that time. I could work and look after my baby at the same time. All the kids and parents were generous and understanding of my circumstance and provided amazing supports for my daughter and this new mum. We were and are blessed.

When Momo became 3, she started joining one of my classes. There were two other 3-year-old boys in the class and we just played in English.

As they became the 1st grader, one of the boys moved out of the town and other kids joined the class. We enjoyed reading picture books and played more activities.

As they became 5th graders, some left in order to study for the entrance exam for private junior high schools they wished to go including Momo. But this boy stayed no matter how his mum convinced him to leave. We started reading much longer books and played much more complex activities.

Over the years, children joined and left for various reasons. Yet he stayed no matter what. Now he is a sophomore at one of the prestigious private high schools in Tokyo, playing baseball from the early morning till the late evening. The massive amount of homework and hard practice wore him out yet he kept on coming to the class. Sometimes he falls asleep, but I can not dare to wake him up because I know he gets up at 5:00 in the morning and comes to the class after school and the hard practice at 8:00 in the evening. Lately, his grade radically dropped for the obvious reason, the severe lack of sleep.

I wish I could give him more options, but I won't be able to offer him private lessons right now. I won't be able to offer extra hours for him, either. But I know he just won't quit because it is NOT his option. No matter what his mum and his teacher at school say. With his awesome perseverance, intelligence and personality, I am sure he will success in what he wish to pursue. What he really needs is time to sleep and relax. So,I announced finally the most difficult and heartbreaking decision last night to him: Closing the class by the end of July. Other learners in the class can come to a different class but I knew he could not due to his excessively busy schedule (he also goes to juku). I don't really know how he really feels about this decision because he did not say a word.

On the very last day, I wish I could thank and wish him the best luck on his future without busting into tears.

Piece by Piece

As a mum, I believe in the strength within each one of us to lead fulfilling happy life regardless of our past negative events. I believe we are capable of cutting the chain of negative events that might have occurred in our past repeatedly. Once we realise that it is up to us to control our lives, our choices and actions would be more self-righteous or self-fulfilling. When you own your life, at least you won't be so destructive...will you?

Happy Mother's day to all the mums whether you are ideal ones or not!!

Insidious bullying: struggle to be "Normal"

Sudden silence. Apathy. Cold eyes. Whispers. Giggles. Everlasting nightmare.

For a teenage girl, conformity, being a "normal" at school or the sense of belonging means a lot. Perhaps the crave for the sense of belonging accelerates online communication among the teens. I see kids desperately try to reply someone's comment on LINE everywhere. It may look ridiculous to ones who have already passed the phase. However, for a teenager, being a member of a group is her priority in her school life. It can be the way of survival from constant parental and peer pressures. I admit that this crave for human contacts is not only for teens. We all do no matter how old you are. But when you are young and inexperienced, living in the tiny world called a school, those classmates or schoolmates matter more than they should be. So, who can stand strong amongst total apathy in a classroom where everyone seems to pay no attention to your presence? Who can possibly say, "Be strong! or Hung in there!" when the person struggles to breathe every single second in the classroom? Having being a victim of insidious bullying in school days, I certainly can not say that but to cry with her, my sweet girl, knowing my action will only aggravate the condition and no words can comfort her. 

Back in high school days, I eventually gave up on going to a university due to insidious bullying. Nothing physical, nothing apparent, no teachers can understand the underlying meaning of the constant giggles and whispers among those girls. No school policy of anti-bullying works. No one including those bullies know how and when to stop such cruel and cowardice actions. Breathing can be a struggle in such a condition. Lunch break is the worst hour to cope with. The world looks full of dark mallice. The worst of all, you feel absolutely ALONE. Then the helplessness falls and covers even in the slightest light you see. All the senses will be paralysed and you feel stuck in the hell. Sometimes it takes only the shout to the boss bully, "F%## off, You hideous bitch." But it is impossible to do that when you can not even breathe. I survived by skipping classes. It was the hardest and darkest time I have ever experienced and I have no interests to go back there even if it means no wrinkles and spots on my face. 

Here I am, expressing total respect to my own daughter. Because she has been fighting against bullying on her own from the beginning of the second semester until the end of the academic year without any supports. Only the bravest of the brave can do that on her own. Her grades are dropped to the bottom and her eyes lost her blinding glitterings. Yet she has fought and survived without telling anyone. To me, she is nothing but a champion, the coolest and bravest girl I've known. For her honor, I will breathe deeply and suppress my rage and the strong temptation to give the same amount of psychological pain to the bullies. 

Bullying in any forms including psychological ones DEPRIVE someone of pleasures, motivations and energies to live. A life is precious and also connected to each one of us. Each life is valuable regardlessly. Once you realize that we are all interconnected to each other like a big family, it will be impossible to treat others unfairly. Yet, there are so many young and precious lives destroyed because of irrational hideous actions such as bullying. Bullying can start from just a bit of misunderstanding, jealousy, insecurity, hatred or rage which is from nothing but your own darkness. For teens, the world looks full of contradictions and inconsistency. It must be overwhelming and intimidating. Life ain't easy and solvable like a math equation. That's why we need others. That's why we crave for connections. That's why we need to help each other. That's why we must develop our empathy and compassion. One has to get over numerous hardships and unpredictable disasters. How can you be strong enough to survive when you feel alone?  How would you feel if you were this girl eating lunch alone at the corner of a corridor ? How would you feel if nobody talks to you all of sudden for no specific reason you can think of ? Can you really say it is nothing to do with you? Can you really say you are not one of onlookers? And what would you do if you were the girl standing alone? What would you do ? 

Spring: the season of changes

I had the last meeting at the city hall with the other ALT yesterday and paid my school lunch fee as my last task to complete as an ALT at primary schools.

This morning as I got up sneezing ( Hay fever), I said to myself, "Ok. Time to reflect." So here I am at the morning table trying not to nag my teen daughter but to focus on reflecting on the days at primary school.

In 2013, the first year past so quickly as I struggle to figure out the most comfortable and effective ways of team-teach with homeroom teachers. Lesson planning and preparation were nightmarish in this period since no teaching materials or instructions were provided. I had to figure out where teaching materials were stored, what to do and where my classes were. I run around the schools like a chick without its mum, feeling totally lost and panic. I remember the exhaustion after work.  I was also on MA program at Aston university, studying research skills A to Z for the weekends. On top of that, I tried to look after my own private classes and troubles that my teen brought. I would not have survived without losing my mental sanity if there were no supports from my family and mates. The motto I have acquired from some of the wise mates, "One step forward at a time and keep forwarding." worked really well when I needed to push myself to complete all the tasks within a day.

The second year, I felt more relaxed as an ALT due to all the lesson prep and familiarities I built with co-workers. I also knew which classroom I needed to go and what to do by then. I got used to the heck tick lifestyle and even managed to find time for some yoga sequences. Plus I started to gain confidence to finish my MA within provided period of time (Three years without paying any extra costs). Due to the Action Research I did with my private classes, my practice improved and I learned a lot about theoretical aspects of TEYL and essential background information of my private students.

In 2015, as soon as I heard that I would be awarded the Master of Science degree from Aston, I started wondering what can be the better role for me to improve English education at primary public schools. Private schools usually have their own program hiring specialists for English education. But I strongly believe reforming public education system will help more children develop language learning as well as social skills. If language learning is an area of social science, all the children should have the equal right to learn. But private schools can not offer learning opportunities for all the children due to the financial burden for their guardians. My urge to do research on some troublesome features of teaching practice at public elementary schools increased over the three years.

On March 18th 2016, I am here in the kitchen feeling anxious and thrilled at the same time in the face of my new challenge. From April, I will go back to the classrooms in primary schools as a researcher and observe English classes for a year. I'm not sure what kind or when but I will get more stories to tell.

2016: The Year of Monkey / Changes has started

In the last few years, at the beginning of new year, instead of making resolutions that I most likely don't accomplish, I started reading a new book, more manageable small step goal. Some books were not exactly what I expected and didn't finish reading. Some I enjoyed reading till the end and helped me to form the way I see the world. Among those inspiring page-turners, Bird by Bird has been listed in my best ten in the last ten years. This year, 2016, one of her book reviews caught my heart,

“Lamott’s …most insightful book yet, Stitches offers plenty of her characteristic witty wisdom…this slim, readable volume [is] a lens on life, widening and narrowing, encouraging each reader to reflect on what it is, after all, that really matters.”

Stitches. How catchy and interesting title is this? It is appealing to me anyway. So, this will be my first book to read this year. According to the author, Anne Lamott, my guru, witty and sarcastic spiritual leader,

“Some people have a thick skin and you don’t. Your heart is really open and that is going to cause pain, but that is an appropriate response to this world. "

She continues,

"The cost is high, but the blessing of being compassionate is beyond your wildest dreams. However, you’re not going to feel that a lot in seventh grade. Just hang on.” 

Since I am going to deal with more high teens, the freshmen at some universities, this quote will be a good one to share with them. The book might add more insights to my perspective on a fulfilling life since this year looks like a year of some big changes: my career change, Momo's first part-time job, and lifestyle change of my parents. How would I "stitch" the gap between the comfortable past and the exciting present? Well, it has just begun. To be continued.