Mary and Tooth Fairy

Once upon a time there was a girl, not so little anymore. She was rather big. More like very big in terms of her age. In fact, she had lived more than a half-century. More like she was in her seventies. But she was a girl at heart and thought, "Finally, I am in my luckiest age. 70's! I wonder what is going to happen! What shall I do? "

When other people in her age talked about illness, forgetfulness, hopelessness, depressions, and other issues they had on a daily basis, she did not say a word but thought to herself, "My teeth are getting loose and my memory is getting more selective. But I still have heaps of wishes." With the thought, she could not help smiling. People looked at her, saying nothing but as soon as she left, they went, "Did you see her smiling? She is a nut case, isn't she? She needs to be checked. She has been a bit awkward, but now she is really out there."  and laughed so hard that she could hear them. Guess what she thought? She thought, "How sweet! They are laughing. They must have found something amusing to talk about."

Oh, yes! She was a happy girl. I mean she was a jolly ol' girl. In fact, she never had a question about fairies. For her, they were one of those "normal" things that others talked about. They were as real as things like the air, water, the sun, the moon and love. You may not see or feel all the time, but you don't question about their presence, do you? I am not certain about the fairies, to be honest. Well, this is a story about this big girl, not me. She believed the presence of fairies so much so she could see and feel them. When others called her a liar, she didn't say a thing, but thought to herself, "Poor things. They can't see the fairies, can they? I am a lucky one." and smiled. They looked at her, saying nothing, but as soon as she left, they went, "Did you see her smiling? She is a nut case, isn't she? She needs to be checked. She has been a bit awkward, but now she is really out there."  and laughed so hard that she could hear them. Now you, the smart readers know what she thought. Indeed, she thought, "How sweet! They are laughing. They must have found something amusing to talk about."

One day, she had mixed nuts for her after-dinner nibble. She loved nuts and often thought she could live only with nuts. But then the list of her favourite food went on and on. "Oops, I should not forget the ice cream...oh...chocolate...veggies...cereals...oh!!!cheese! I can't live without cheese. And curry, fruits..." Yes, she was a big fan of food. Anyway, as she nibbled on her, more accurately, one of the favorites, she felt something strange in her mouth. She touched one of her teeth and it was loose. She got annoyed by the change and touched it again. That was when it came out. "Oh-oh," said she. "I gotta tell this to the tooth fairy."

She became forgetful, but she still remembered what her mum had told her when she was a little girl.
She knew all it takes to call tooth fairy was to call. "Hi, Tooth fairy. I know it's been a quite long time since I talked to you last time. I hope you remember me. Ummm...one of my big teeth came out tonight. Not those baby teeth. Would you please tell me what to do with it? Shall I put it underneath of my pillow like I did when my baby teeth came out?" said she and waited for the tooth fairy. She waited for a couple of minutes, but nothing happened. That's when she realised one thing, "Oh, I don't mean to ask you for a coin. I have my pension coming in monthly and got a small and cosy house. I've got my little garden and books to read. I got some lovely friends. I've got everything I need. So, I don't need a coin from you anymore. I don't mean to upset you with my demand or anything. " said she and waited for another minute. But she heard nothing and at the moment she gave up on talking to the tooth fairy, she heard this little bump and a little voice, "Auch!" from her bedroom. She rushed in there and there she found the fairy under the bedside lamp. The tooth fairy was stroking her head. "Are you okay?" asked she.
"Oh, hi, Mary. Long time, no see." smiled the fairy.
"Oh, you even remember my name? How sweet of you!"
"How can I forget my favourite little girl who always tell me a story of each baby tooth you lost!"
"Did I? ummm...I don't remember telling you stories at all."
"Of course, you don't. You were a little girl." giggled the fairy.
"Could you remind me of the stories?"
"Well, that's the thing. I am getting forgetful as well and I don't know if I remember all the stories correctly. But I can tell you the one. Poo poo one because it was so cute and funny that I laughed all night long."
"Emm...poo poo one? Well... I think I will skip it. Thanks."
The fairy was a bit cheekier than she expected.
"Ok. Then, I will tell you what you can do with the tooth you lost today. " The fairy stretched her back and said more formally in a good ol' fairy tone.
"Sweet!" smiled she.
"Well, first of all...ah...wait a sec...first of all...what was it?"
The tooth fairy looked up in the air and mumbled some phrases as she shook her head in disbelief.
"Something wrong, Tooth fairy?"
"Well, I become forgetful about things like what to do with the big tooth. People hardly ask me this question. Perhaps a century ago, a big girl like you asked me. So, I haven't thought about it for a long time." said the fairy and looked up in the air for a while.
"Aha!" screamed the fairy and went, "Ok. A big girl like you can make a wish. You are not so unreasonable like those little ones. You can wish something reasonable thing. "

Well, the readers, I did not know if even fairies get forgetful. But I guess living centuries, they also need to get rid of some memories.

"A wish!" she thought, "What do I wish? I have everything I want..."
She thought about it for a while and said to the fairy,
"May I think about it for a while? I will let you know when I have a wish. Is that ok?"
"Of course, girl. Let me know when you have a wish." answered the fairy and went out.

She thought about a wish for days and months. The fairy was right. It was not an easy task to have a wish when you were happy with what you had. She thought about it every single day and when she met others at the market, she asked, "Do you have a wish?"
"A wish? well, I got heaps of WISHES. I'd like to have my health and youth back. I'd like to go travelling around the world with this gorgeous ship. "
The wishes seemed endless and she thought to herself, "The fairy was wrong in this matter. Big girls got unreasonable wishes as well." and smiled. People looked at her, saying nothing but as soon as she left, they went, "Did you see her smiling? She is a nut case, isn't she? She needs to be checked. She has been a bit awkward, but now she is really out there."  and laughed so hard that she could hear them. My smart readers should know by now what she thought.

Yes, Indeed. She thought, "How sweet! They are laughing. They must have found something amusing to talk about." Then "Aha!" screamed she, "I wish others found something amusing to talk about!"

then she called the fairy, "Tooth fairy, I got my wish! I wish my neighbours got amusing topics to talk about! I love their laughter. It would be  nice to hear that more often!"
"Oh dear, girl. You don't change. You are always my sweet girl. Please stay who you are. You will have your wish, girl."
She heard the words of the fairy and smiled, "Thank you so much!"
"My pleasure as always."

Well, my lovely readers. Probably you are thinking like me. I would have asked the fair a world travel by a gorgeous ship or something. But you know that's why I may have lost contact with the fairies now. If I can ever think and look at the world like the big girl did, I might be able to find the fairies again. Wouldn't that be nice to see them?

Summer Challenge

I never imagined my girl would enjoy this style of dance. She took up piano lessons and cheerleading class when she was 5.  She always enjoys performing arts but it took me by surprise when she decided to join a street dance club at high school. "Street dance?" Back in junior high, she belonged to a brass band club, playing the trombone. She was called, "musically gifted one." from the coach of the club and won some awards at some contests. But interestingly she did not join the same club at high school saying, "I wanna do something different. Something I can really enjoy." It was a completely unexpected comment for I thought she did what she loved. Later I realized whatever you do, you need to face challenging stage to be brilliant at it. She must have been burned out due to the exsessive amount of practice and the strict Brass band club discipline.

Like mother, like daughter: She loves her freedom in life.

It takes a lot of practice and faith in my girl in the time of decition-making for her. As a parent, I wish nothing but the best for her. But what is best for her? Who decide it? Who really knows? From all the stories I read or heard, nobody really knows. Life is interesting due to the uncertainties.  There are certain paths which look safer or conventional than the other choices. But as a teen, I refused to take such a conventional path that my mum suggested.

Did I struggle because of my choice? Yes.
Was it easy? No.
Do I regret what I did? No.
Am I happy? Yes. More than ever.
Why? Because I am in control of my life path and I don't have to ask myself, "What if?"

I had a lot of supports from my family, friends and others. I could not be enjoying my summer vacation without any supports I had. I admit I have been extremely lucky and I have no idea if my girl can also get supports and lucks. But now I can be a bit of support for her to follow her heart. To do something she feels passionate about. She will struggle and might regret what she decided at some points. But it would be nice if you can say, "I've done the best I could!", wouldn't it?

If there is any motherhood or parenting skill test, I might get low grade due to my temparamental and inappropriate behavior as a mum. But my girl keeps finding her passion and live fully depending on her age and circumstances. She may appear as F student at school, but she never given up on living fully and finding the meaning of her presence in this life. As I look at her, working so hard to make the best stage tomorrow with the members of her dance team, I find extreme pride, contentment and happiness in her actions. So, that's enough. More than enough for me.

Momo's summer challenge will be over tomorrow and I am sure she will find absolute pride, contentment and happiness in what she has achieved.  I am glad that I could take part in her challenge  as a supporter.

A story of a boy

I started teaching children at home from 1999 when my daughter was born. It made perfect sense to me at that time. I could work and look after my baby at the same time. All the kids and parents were generous and understanding of my circumstance and provided amazing supports for my daughter and this new mum. We were and are blessed.

When Momo became 3, she started joining one of my classes. There were two other 3-year-old boys in the class and we just played in English.

As they became the 1st grader, one of the boys moved out of the town and other kids joined the class. We enjoyed reading picture books and played more activities.

As they became 5th graders, some left in order to study for the entrance exam for private junior high schools they wished to go including Momo. But this boy stayed no matter how his mum convinced him to leave. We started reading much longer books and played much more complex activities.

Over the years, children joined and left for various reasons. Yet he stayed no matter what. Now he is a sophomore at one of the prestigious private high schools in Tokyo, playing baseball from the early morning till the late evening. The massive amount of homework and hard practice wore him out yet he kept on coming to the class. Sometimes he falls asleep, but I can not dare to wake him up because I know he gets up at 5:00 in the morning and comes to the class after school and the hard practice at 8:00 in the evening. Lately, his grade radically dropped for the obvious reason, the severe lack of sleep.

I wish I could give him more options, but I won't be able to offer him private lessons right now. I won't be able to offer extra hours for him, either. But I know he just won't quit because it is NOT his option. No matter what his mum and his teacher at school say. With his awesome perseverance, intelligence and personality, I am sure he will success in what he wish to pursue. What he really needs is time to sleep and relax. So,I announced finally the most difficult and heartbreaking decision last night to him: Closing the class by the end of July. Other learners in the class can come to a different class but I knew he could not due to his excessively busy schedule (he also goes to juku). I don't really know how he really feels about this decision because he did not say a word.

On the very last day, I wish I could thank and wish him the best luck on his future without busting into tears.

Piece by Piece

As a mum, I believe in the strength within each one of us to lead fulfilling happy life regardless of our past negative events. I believe we are capable of cutting the chain of negative events that might have occurred in our past repeatedly. Once we realise that it is up to us to control our lives, our choices and actions would be more self-righteous or self-fulfilling. When you own your life, at least you won't be so destructive...will you?

Happy Mother's day to all the mums whether you are ideal ones or not!!

Insidious bullying: struggle to be "Normal"

Sudden silence. Apathy. Cold eyes. Whispers. Giggles. Everlasting nightmare.

For a teenage girl, conformity, being a "normal" at school or the sense of belonging means a lot. Perhaps the crave for the sense of belonging accelerates online communication among the teens. I see kids desperately try to reply someone's comment on LINE everywhere. It may look ridiculous to ones who have already passed the phase. However, for a teenager, being a member of a group is her priority in her school life. It can be the way of survival from constant parental and peer pressures. I admit that this crave for human contacts is not only for teens. We all do no matter how old you are. But when you are young and inexperienced, living in the tiny world called a school, those classmates or schoolmates matter more than they should be. So, who can stand strong amongst total apathy in a classroom where everyone seems to pay no attention to your presence? Who can possibly say, "Be strong! or Hung in there!" when the person struggles to breathe every single second in the classroom? Having being a victim of insidious bullying in school days, I certainly can not say that but to cry with her, my sweet girl, knowing my action will only aggravate the condition and no words can comfort her. 

Back in high school days, I eventually gave up on going to a university due to insidious bullying. Nothing physical, nothing apparent, no teachers can understand the underlying meaning of the constant giggles and whispers among those girls. No school policy of anti-bullying works. No one including those bullies know how and when to stop such cruel and cowardice actions. Breathing can be a struggle in such a condition. Lunch break is the worst hour to cope with. The world looks full of dark mallice. The worst of all, you feel absolutely ALONE. Then the helplessness falls and covers even in the slightest light you see. All the senses will be paralysed and you feel stuck in the hell. Sometimes it takes only the shout to the boss bully, "F%## off, You hideous bitch." But it is impossible to do that when you can not even breathe. I survived by skipping classes. It was the hardest and darkest time I have ever experienced and I have no interests to go back there even if it means no wrinkles and spots on my face. 

Here I am, expressing total respect to my own daughter. Because she has been fighting against bullying on her own from the beginning of the second semester until the end of the academic year without any supports. Only the bravest of the brave can do that on her own. Her grades are dropped to the bottom and her eyes lost her blinding glitterings. Yet she has fought and survived without telling anyone. To me, she is nothing but a champion, the coolest and bravest girl I've known. For her honor, I will breathe deeply and suppress my rage and the strong temptation to give the same amount of psychological pain to the bullies. 

Bullying in any forms including psychological ones DEPRIVE someone of pleasures, motivations and energies to live. A life is precious and also connected to each one of us. Each life is valuable regardlessly. Once you realize that we are all interconnected to each other like a big family, it will be impossible to treat others unfairly. Yet, there are so many young and precious lives destroyed because of irrational hideous actions such as bullying. Bullying can start from just a bit of misunderstanding, jealousy, insecurity, hatred or rage which is from nothing but your own darkness. For teens, the world looks full of contradictions and inconsistency. It must be overwhelming and intimidating. Life ain't easy and solvable like a math equation. That's why we need others. That's why we crave for connections. That's why we need to help each other. That's why we must develop our empathy and compassion. One has to get over numerous hardships and unpredictable disasters. How can you be strong enough to survive when you feel alone?  How would you feel if you were this girl eating lunch alone at the corner of a corridor ? How would you feel if nobody talks to you all of sudden for no specific reason you can think of ? Can you really say it is nothing to do with you? Can you really say you are not one of onlookers? And what would you do if you were the girl standing alone? What would you do ? 

Spring: the season of changes

I had the last meeting at the city hall with the other ALT yesterday and paid my school lunch fee as my last task to complete as an ALT at primary schools.

This morning as I got up sneezing ( Hay fever), I said to myself, "Ok. Time to reflect." So here I am at the morning table trying not to nag my teen daughter but to focus on reflecting on the days at primary school.

In 2013, the first year past so quickly as I struggle to figure out the most comfortable and effective ways of team-teach with homeroom teachers. Lesson planning and preparation were nightmarish in this period since no teaching materials or instructions were provided. I had to figure out where teaching materials were stored, what to do and where my classes were. I run around the schools like a chick without its mum, feeling totally lost and panic. I remember the exhaustion after work.  I was also on MA program at Aston university, studying research skills A to Z for the weekends. On top of that, I tried to look after my own private classes and troubles that my teen brought. I would not have survived without losing my mental sanity if there were no supports from my family and mates. The motto I have acquired from some of the wise mates, "One step forward at a time and keep forwarding." worked really well when I needed to push myself to complete all the tasks within a day.

The second year, I felt more relaxed as an ALT due to all the lesson prep and familiarities I built with co-workers. I also knew which classroom I needed to go and what to do by then. I got used to the heck tick lifestyle and even managed to find time for some yoga sequences. Plus I started to gain confidence to finish my MA within provided period of time (Three years without paying any extra costs). Due to the Action Research I did with my private classes, my practice improved and I learned a lot about theoretical aspects of TEYL and essential background information of my private students.

In 2015, as soon as I heard that I would be awarded the Master of Science degree from Aston, I started wondering what can be the better role for me to improve English education at primary public schools. Private schools usually have their own program hiring specialists for English education. But I strongly believe reforming public education system will help more children develop language learning as well as social skills. If language learning is an area of social science, all the children should have the equal right to learn. But private schools can not offer learning opportunities for all the children due to the financial burden for their guardians. My urge to do research on some troublesome features of teaching practice at public elementary schools increased over the three years.

On March 18th 2016, I am here in the kitchen feeling anxious and thrilled at the same time in the face of my new challenge. From April, I will go back to the classrooms in primary schools as a researcher and observe English classes for a year. I'm not sure what kind or when but I will get more stories to tell.

2016: The Year of Monkey / Changes has started

In the last few years, at the beginning of new year, instead of making resolutions that I most likely don't accomplish, I started reading a new book, more manageable small step goal. Some books were not exactly what I expected and didn't finish reading. Some I enjoyed reading till the end and helped me to form the way I see the world. Among those inspiring page-turners, Bird by Bird has been listed in my best ten in the last ten years. This year, 2016, one of her book reviews caught my heart,

“Lamott’s …most insightful book yet, Stitches offers plenty of her characteristic witty wisdom…this slim, readable volume [is] a lens on life, widening and narrowing, encouraging each reader to reflect on what it is, after all, that really matters.”

Stitches. How catchy and interesting title is this? It is appealing to me anyway. So, this will be my first book to read this year. According to the author, Anne Lamott, my guru, witty and sarcastic spiritual leader,

“Some people have a thick skin and you don’t. Your heart is really open and that is going to cause pain, but that is an appropriate response to this world. "

She continues,

"The cost is high, but the blessing of being compassionate is beyond your wildest dreams. However, you’re not going to feel that a lot in seventh grade. Just hang on.” 

Since I am going to deal with more high teens, the freshmen at some universities, this quote will be a good one to share with them. The book might add more insights to my perspective on a fulfilling life since this year looks like a year of some big changes: my career change, Momo's first part-time job, and lifestyle change of my parents. How would I "stitch" the gap between the comfortable past and the exciting present? Well, it has just begun. To be continued.