Piece by Piece

As a mum, I believe in the strength within each one of us to lead fulfilling happy life regardless of our past negative events. I believe we are capable of cutting the chain of negative events that might have occurred in our past repeatedly. Once we realise that it is up to us to control our lives, our choices and actions would be more self-righteous or self-fulfilling. When you own your life, at least you won't be so destructive...will you?

Happy Mother's day to all the mums whether you are ideal ones or not!!

Insidious bullying: struggle to be "Normal"

Sudden silence. Apathy. Cold eyes. Whispers. Giggles. Everlasting nightmare.

For a teenage girl, conformity, being a "normal" at school or the sense of belonging means a lot. Perhaps the crave for the sense of belonging accelerates online communication among the teens. I see kids desperately try to reply someone's comment on LINE everywhere. It may look ridiculous to ones who have already passed the phase. However, for a teenager, being a member of a group is her priority in her school life. It can be the way of survival from constant parental and peer pressures. I admit that this crave for human contacts is not only for teens. We all do no matter how old you are. But when you are young and inexperienced, living in the tiny world called a school, those classmates or schoolmates matter more than they should be. So, who can stand strong amongst total apathy in a classroom where everyone seems to pay no attention to your presence? Who can possibly say, "Be strong! or Hung in there!" when the person struggles to breathe every single second in the classroom? Having being a victim of insidious bullying in school days, I certainly can not say that but to cry with her, my sweet girl, knowing my action will only aggravate the condition and no words can comfort her. 

Back in high school days, I eventually gave up on going to a university due to insidious bullying. Nothing physical, nothing apparent, no teachers can understand the underlying meaning of the constant giggles and whispers among those girls. No school policy of anti-bullying works. No one including those bullies know how and when to stop such cruel and cowardice actions. Breathing can be a struggle in such a condition. Lunch break is the worst hour to cope with. The world looks full of dark mallice. The worst of all, you feel absolutely ALONE. Then the helplessness falls and covers even in the slightest light you see. All the senses will be paralysed and you feel stuck in the hell. Sometimes it takes only the shout to the boss bully, "F%## off, You hideous bitch." But it is impossible to do that when you can not even breathe. I survived by skipping classes. It was the hardest and darkest time I have ever experienced and I have no interests to go back there even if it means no wrinkles and spots on my face. 

Here I am, expressing total respect to my own daughter. Because she has been fighting against bullying on her own from the beginning of the second semester until the end of the academic year without any supports. Only the bravest of the brave can do that on her own. Her grades are dropped to the bottom and her eyes lost her blinding glitterings. Yet she has fought and survived without telling anyone. To me, she is nothing but a champion, the coolest and bravest girl I've known. For her honor, I will breathe deeply and suppress my rage and the strong temptation to give the same amount of psychological pain to the bullies. 

Bullying in any forms including psychological ones DEPRIVE someone of pleasures, motivations and energies to live. A life is precious and also connected to each one of us. Each life is valuable regardlessly. Once you realize that we are all interconnected to each other like a big family, it will be impossible to treat others unfairly. Yet, there are so many young and precious lives destroyed because of irrational hideous actions such as bullying. Bullying can start from just a bit of misunderstanding, jealousy, insecurity, hatred or rage which is from nothing but your own darkness. For teens, the world looks full of contradictions and inconsistency. It must be overwhelming and intimidating. Life ain't easy and solvable like a math equation. That's why we need others. That's why we crave for connections. That's why we need to help each other. That's why we must develop our empathy and compassion. One has to get over numerous hardships and unpredictable disasters. How can you be strong enough to survive when you feel alone?  How would you feel if you were this girl eating lunch alone at the corner of a corridor ? How would you feel if nobody talks to you all of sudden for no specific reason you can think of ? Can you really say it is nothing to do with you? Can you really say you are not one of onlookers? And what would you do if you were the girl standing alone? What would you do ? 

Spring: the season of changes

I had the last meeting at the city hall with the other ALT yesterday and paid my school lunch fee as my last task to complete as an ALT at primary schools.

This morning as I got up sneezing ( Hay fever), I said to myself, "Ok. Time to reflect." So here I am at the morning table trying not to nag my teen daughter but to focus on reflecting on the days at primary school.

In 2013, the first year past so quickly as I struggle to figure out the most comfortable and effective ways of team-teach with homeroom teachers. Lesson planning and preparation were nightmarish in this period since no teaching materials or instructions were provided. I had to figure out where teaching materials were stored, what to do and where my classes were. I run around the schools like a chick without its mum, feeling totally lost and panic. I remember the exhaustion after work.  I was also on MA program at Aston university, studying research skills A to Z for the weekends. On top of that, I tried to look after my own private classes and troubles that my teen brought. I would not have survived without losing my mental sanity if there were no supports from my family and mates. The motto I have acquired from some of the wise mates, "One step forward at a time and keep forwarding." worked really well when I needed to push myself to complete all the tasks within a day.

The second year, I felt more relaxed as an ALT due to all the lesson prep and familiarities I built with co-workers. I also knew which classroom I needed to go and what to do by then. I got used to the heck tick lifestyle and even managed to find time for some yoga sequences. Plus I started to gain confidence to finish my MA within provided period of time (Three years without paying any extra costs). Due to the Action Research I did with my private classes, my practice improved and I learned a lot about theoretical aspects of TEYL and essential background information of my private students.

In 2015, as soon as I heard that I would be awarded the Master of Science degree from Aston, I started wondering what can be the better role for me to improve English education at primary public schools. Private schools usually have their own program hiring specialists for English education. But I strongly believe reforming public education system will help more children develop language learning as well as social skills. If language learning is an area of social science, all the children should have the equal right to learn. But private schools can not offer learning opportunities for all the children due to the financial burden for their guardians. My urge to do research on some troublesome features of teaching practice at public elementary schools increased over the three years.

On March 18th 2016, I am here in the kitchen feeling anxious and thrilled at the same time in the face of my new challenge. From April, I will go back to the classrooms in primary schools as a researcher and observe English classes for a year. I'm not sure what kind or when but I will get more stories to tell.

2016: The Year of Monkey / Changes has started

In the last few years, at the beginning of new year, instead of making resolutions that I most likely don't accomplish, I started reading a new book, more manageable small step goal. Some books were not exactly what I expected and didn't finish reading. Some I enjoyed reading till the end and helped me to form the way I see the world. Among those inspiring page-turners, Bird by Bird has been listed in my best ten in the last ten years. This year, 2016, one of her book reviews caught my heart,

“Lamott’s …most insightful book yet, Stitches offers plenty of her characteristic witty wisdom…this slim, readable volume [is] a lens on life, widening and narrowing, encouraging each reader to reflect on what it is, after all, that really matters.”

Stitches. How catchy and interesting title is this? It is appealing to me anyway. So, this will be my first book to read this year. According to the author, Anne Lamott, my guru, witty and sarcastic spiritual leader,

“Some people have a thick skin and you don’t. Your heart is really open and that is going to cause pain, but that is an appropriate response to this world. "

She continues,

"The cost is high, but the blessing of being compassionate is beyond your wildest dreams. However, you’re not going to feel that a lot in seventh grade. Just hang on.” 

Since I am going to deal with more high teens, the freshmen at some universities, this quote will be a good one to share with them. The book might add more insights to my perspective on a fulfilling life since this year looks like a year of some big changes: my career change, Momo's first part-time job, and lifestyle change of my parents. How would I "stitch" the gap between the comfortable past and the exciting present? Well, it has just begun. To be continued. 

2015 Highlights

What an exciting year it has been!Heaps of ups and some downs which made bright days brighter. 2015 was started with the amazing news "Master's degree in TEYL with distinction." in January. After focusing on my professional development for three years while getting used to my new career as an ALT, it was a great reward.

In Feb, I got a job offer at Toyo Gakuen University. It was an opportunity to open up to the whole new world: Teaching at universities. Although I've been teaching uni students at my own place, having more than 20 students in a classroom with diverse interest and levels was a whole new ballgame to enjoy. I was on top of the world with this another amazing news.

In the following month, my daughter, the little chubby face, got in high school. Oh, I shuddered and felt absolutely terrified to see the result of her entrance exam. I never had my heart beating so fast in my life when we went to see the result up on the massive white paper on the wall of the school gymnasium. Due to the stumbling legs and blur vision, I couldn't find her number thinking to myself, "Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!!!!" until Momo said, "I got it, Mum." in the coolest voice I've ever heard. I screamed: Momo smirked.

In April, my busiest term in my life begun. 5 days a week, juggling three jobs including a completely new one with mum's duties. Plus, I was in the process of revising my first book chapter. I think I didn't breathe much and ran through this semester at top speed.

In May, to add the level of adrenaline, I decided to make a storytelling team with the lovely and amazing writer/ storyteller/ educator, Patricia Daly Oe (http://www.patricia-oe.com/). This team, Storybubble, was one of my dreamy goals in post-MA. No matter how crazy my daily schedule was, I just could not let this go. So far, we did 4 amazing storytelling events with her and would like to continue at our own slow pace.

The first semester was filled with miraculously exciting events like my first open lecture to the public in Kunitachi city at a school about Diversity, the first Storybubble event, the approval of my first book chapter, high feedback score from students at the end of the semester and Momo's first secret crush.

Summer was supposed to be more relaxed than ever with only one-week intensive lessons at Sunny Field English (my own wonderland where young learners can explore the world in English.) But it turned out to be the beginning of  my first nerve-wracking experience: Hunting for part-time uni jobs. I sent many applications, waiting for the verdicts with anticipation of positive ones during the vacation.

As soon as the fall semester started, it became a despair. I heard "Without sufficient experience at uni and publications, it will be difficult to get a job. It is very competitive. " and read, "Thank you for your interests in our university. Unfortunately..." Since I've been extremely lucky in job hunting, I had to learn how to deal with rejections and get myself up to keep on trying. Through this experience, I realize that my luck comes from my family and friends who have faith in my potential. At the same time, another reality check incident occurred. My mum's rapid aging and memory loss. She started losing herself. I was forced to learn she was no longer the super woman who perfectly conduct the family business and affairs. It was time for me to grow up and face the reality. It was my turn to look after her. I have no idea how many times I had to slap myself, saying, "Grow up and be strong." I was pathetic at accepting the reality.

October could be the most miserable month of the year. It was so hard to get out of bed and live for the day. No matter what positive news came in, I fell into the emotional ditch where no lights came in. Although I didn't get any offers from any universities, I got a research grant and job offers as a presenter. I had enough reasons to be hopeful and thankful. Yet I was still in the process of getting used to this reverse role: Being a mum for my mum. It confused me and I couldn't be as kind and caring as I wanted to be for her. I kept on telling myself, "Come on! She is the one who has faith in you. No matter what, she supported you." The anger, stress and all the negative emotions occupied my heart. I became my worst enemy.

It was the BEST of JALT party, I got the break through moment from the extreme anger, frustrations and disappointments against myself. With the jolly girls, we started dancing around our bags on the floor with An Irish Song (https://youtu.be/X2hgBlR-JIU) played by one of the most amazing musicians I know, Brian Cullen. I got my old self back as I danced and sang this song with the girls, thinking, "Life is good if I let it."

After this epic moment, exciting and positive news started to coming in the Christmas season. The positive vibes took in action with some presentation requests from regional JALT groups and followed by part-time job offers  at Toyo Gakuen University, Tokyo University of Technology and J.F. Oberlin University. The Board of Education I worked for in the last three years also offered an adviser for English classes in the following year. On top of that, another book chapter proposal was officially accepted. Above all, I managed to bring the members of my family to the humble yet homey Christmas party I organized. It was the first time in 5 or 6 years that all the members gathered to celebrate this season.

The universe always works to add a little more spice to my humble life. As a wish of the cheeky universe, I smashed my iPhone on the ground and squashed with the heavy metal wheels of the front gate of my parents' place, where I currently live, on the Christmas eve. The screen and all the functions of the newly bought iPhone were completely destroyed and forced me to get another one at the Apple-standardised fancy price (Without Apple care plus deal).

Ok, Universe! I admit that you told me to get the deal but I didn't listen to you.

But considering all the goodies I got, it was just a hiccup. I feel so thankful and excited that I might be able to share what I have with my family and more young learners and teens in 2016. Ending a year with anticipation of more enchanting moments and events is a real treat.

Days before Christmas

"Wouldn't that be wonderful if this cup was a magic cup providing cupcakes infinitely?" Momo nodded what I said while eating the cupcake I cooked for breakfast this morning.

Not a magic cup but a magic pot producing gold or valuables was a promise my grandma made with me when I was little. I remember the deep anxiety when I learned immortality of humans. So, I asked my grandma, "What happens when you are gone? Who is gonna be with me?" Just because my mum got seriously sick after she had my second brother, she went back to her parent's home and I was left with my grandparents. It was not much trouble to me because I was always with my grandma after my brothers were born anyway. She was the whole world to me thinking I would be like Oliver Twist or Anne Of Green Gables without her. This innocent question was answered,

"I promise I will make sure to send gold or valuables as much as you need from the heaven where every one of us has a magic pot. The magic pot will give you what you need."

I had no doubt about her promise since I was living in a world of stories that my mum read for us whenever she could. All those stories got the same ending, "And she lived happily ever after." This straightforward ethics that your life will be fulfilled as long as you are a good girl or a boy sounded so "right" to my simple and pure mind back then. 

After many years, I feel that there are many exceptions and various perceptions of "good" depending on the circumstance one lives in. In other words, there are so many incidents that make no sense to me because some "good" people end up in tragedy. But the alternatives sound hopeless and unbearable: "Bad wolf gets what he wants and lived happily ever after", "Anne was sent back to the orphanage because of her excessive imagination." or "Heidi could not see her grandpa again." What can this world be without hopes from picture books? As Norton says, children's literature "contains numerous moments of crisis, when characters make moral decisions and contemplate the reasons for their decisions," an important skill for children to see modeled (2010, p. 34). I'd rather tell stories to children where they can develop rather compassionate, empathetic and positive perceptions of the world we live in.

There are countless tragedies and terrible events we might go through in our lives. But equally, there are countless joys and heartful events we can experience in our lives. We can see more luck and happiness  when you can find the magic pot in the inside of your heart. 

What's next?

After being awarded the MA in TEYL this spring, my new path started: teaching English at tertiary level. I was lucky to be offered three months teaching experience at Toyo Gakuen University in Tokyo. It was a different ball game and valuable learning experience for me. Building rapport with the learners was something pleasurable for me no matter who they are. Yet facilitating a friendly and safe learning environment for the youth while providing motivation, engaging and relevant materials were challenging due to the larger gap between what the uni students want to do and can do in L2. For children, the gap between L1 proficiency and L2 one is smaller. So, kids tend to enjoy what they can do in L2 such as simple learning activities or projects. For uni students, it took more time to find cognitively challenging yet lexically simple tasks. Despite the challenges, I enjoyed the freedom and responsibilities I had in the uni classes I had and my new goal was emerged. Sharing my stories with language learners, whether they are young or not.

Diverse audience should require additional and different skills. My learning process might take more time than the others yet my will, determination and curiosity are strong enough to explore this new path.

Hope everything will work out and I'd get more stories to tell.