Sunday, 30 July 2017

At the beginning of a new journey

I am an emotional person. period. My emotions deeply rooted in the softest part of my heart and soul. This can cause me a lot of pain while living on this planet with biting realities. Do I fear the pain and crawl back into my soft nest avoiding all the dramas and an emotional roller coaster? Hell no. And I do not take any of friendship and love for granted. If some of my friends feel that way, I am sorry for the misinterpretation of my behaviour. In fact, I've been going through severe menopause and might have been appeared as a mentally unstable irritated bitch from time to time. I know it is so hard to know what it is unless you experience it. It is sort of like a radical hormonal change in your body and your body is out of control. Typical symptoms are irrational irritation, constant dizziness and a serious lack of all sorts of appetite.  Nothing personal. In my case(or most of the women's case) I had this with teenager's emotional swings, my mum's dementia and my radical career changes at the same time. I had no energy or concerns left for a while. I constantly wanted a big hug from someone and told me everything is gonna be ok. Indeed, I have been useless crying baby whenever I got a chance to be with whom I trust 100%. But it does not mean I took the person for granted. I had to rely on the generosity and love the person got for me to defend my out-of-control emotional roller coaster ride to manage all the responsibilities I had on my plate. Doing that with this wild house like emotional swing with heaps of panic attacks and professional responsibilities and some health threats, I needed a shoulder to cry on from time to time. I am sorry if I made you feel unwanted. It was opposite. I wanted you to be my side all the time, knowing it is too much to ask. I knew it was too much.

So, I knew what would come at the end. I tried to prepare, but unfortunately, my emotional nature did not allow me to calm down and be cool with at the ending. It must have been a hell for the person I heavily rely on his generosity and patience. I wish I was in a mental state to congratulate his new journey full-heartedly. I really do wish since I believe that's what love does. But my tiny incapable and emotional heart aches and I cried out to defend my last piece of my soft part of my heart. Which cause the one I loved dearly intense emotional agony. I am sorry that I was not strong enough to be there for you as much as you needed me to be.

Now I must declare publicly because I need you, my friends, to understand what happened. This is my confession, I publicly put the sweet smile on my face acting a carefree liberated woman while acting like a mental and cold-hearted bitch behind the scene. I should not blame my faults on the menopause because I am sure some women are much wiser and she won't be as hysterical as I have been even in the midst of total chaos. I am flicking weak in the area and I demanded a full support from the person who tried to do his best to make my daughter and me smile and support in every single way he could think of. He has changed our lives and made us extremely happy for a long long time.

I feel quite awful and ashamed that I could not let his hand go wholeheartedly. I hope this selfishness of me will be understood and forgiven by him and our mutual friends. I was so upset and could not bless his new journey. Instead, I cried out like a hysterical bitch with some of you, my friends. I am sorry the pains I caused you. I truly hope that you will forgive me and allow me to moan a little while. I shall stand up on my feet and will be a little wiser after this. And I promise I won't say a word about my misery after this. Please do not give up on me just yet.

I've had such an amazing 6 years with him and I can not thank him enough to give a single mum a chance to spend intense life with him. He helped me stand on my feet and regain a faith in myself. I discovered a new side of myself because of his mental support. He has met a new person to live with now. I shall bless two of them for a happy life together. It is a lie if I said, "I am ok. I am over that." I am still in process of getting over. No matter how uplifting words I said to myself, my heart weeps in fact. That's how soft and weak my heart is, despite all positive exterior I might have shown in public.

Ok. Nobody will be interested in my life so much and will go on their own as he suggested. Yet for me it is very important to let you all know, my friends, in the stage I am in because I do care about your life as well. I wish I could give a shoulder on your sleepless night. I wish we would be open and accept who we are. Life will be lonely without such a special friendship.

I truly hope I lost my partner yet made a flicking good friend and our friendship will continue till one of us go away from this ridiculously complex and beautiful world. And I truly hope I will meet someone special I can share with all my excitements and disappointments of this life. You know I can feel my heart gets a bit tougher and stronger, hopefully, wiser now.

Thank you for reading this far. It meant a lot to me, my dear friends. Thank you for the courage and support you constanly and generously offer to me. I love you all. I really do.

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