Friday, 16 September 2016


On my first day in Fall semester, I felt refreshed and ready to go back to work. I looked forward to seeing the familiar faces of students. But something was different in me. Suddenly, the familiar views on the street, in the train, teacher's room, and classroom looked surreal. Then I realised it happened again. It is a recurrent weird experience I have from time to time. As a child, I often had this surreal feeling and got so scared on the way back home or on the way to school. The sky, the air, and the whole familiar neighbourhood looked somehow different and foreign to me when it happened. It was nothing but surreal. I loved it when I could view the whole town in a dreamy perspective, but then I got scared because of the confusion I felt when I tried to make sense out of it. It never made sense at all. I have no idea where this strange view coming from. I can function as whoever I am supposed to be while it is happening. I can walk, talk, and act like myself while it is happening as if the interactions with familiar people bring me back to the reality. But when I am surrounded by unfamiliar faces or alone, everything looked unreal and foreign. The shapes are the same, yet the sizes and colors look different. Everything looks wider and vague as if I am dreaming while it is happening.

After the surreal day, I was exhausted and desperate to see the familiar faces, my partner and daughter. I know when I see their faces everything makes sense to me again. The anchor used to be the face of my grandma. I used to feel so relieved and safe when I saw her face and the big smile with the "Okaeri" (Welcome back home). At the exit of the station, I looked for the familiar face which was supposed to meet me there. But I was a little bit earlier than he got to the station. 


I needed to calm myself down because of the intense anxiety this surreal day brought to me. 

"Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. He will be here in a second."

I tried to go into the bakery I usually go at the station, but the freshly baked awesome smell of bread could not be the anchor. So, I rushed out of the bakery and found the familiar face in the England shirt, hesitantly smiling and waving at me. 


Everything looked familiar and real again. The same shape, size, colour and smell. 

"Home again."

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